


of the cruel and unusual

by ninata



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/strange fake
Genre: Character Study, Introspection, Other, inspired by their recent interlude, narita you're killing me, this is fgo verse but i did include notes from fsf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 20:43:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20534303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninata/pseuds/ninata
Summary: Enkidu muses to themself after killing their sister a second time and spewing some nonsense to the Master of Chaldea.





	of the cruel and unusual

**Author's Note:**

> warnings for:  
-some violent imagery  
-some allusions to sex  
-mentions of alcohol

_ Hatred,  _ gritting, burning deep inside me. I am an endless well. I am a furnace. I am meaningless, all this anger cannot possibly be divine. Cannot be a creation of a creation, the result of countless processes, all the data combined to one conclusion;

_ Hatred. _

If I were human (I am not) I would take him for myself. I would hole away with him alone. I would bury myself in him, tear him apart and sit inside him, lap up his blood and sing out all the rage and sadness I do not feel. I would make love to him, I would coil around him, I would let no man nor woman, no god nor goddess, even breathe his air.

—I digress. I am not human.

The word is a chasm. I am the needle and thread. I am singing, humming, vibrating with the Earth’s song. I am a vase, made to be a vessel, to carry forth the will of the gods—

That I do not hate, that I do not resent, that does not make this faux skin of mine crawl, every drop of mana within me begging for an end to all things, all deaths,  _ her  _ wish, the end, her song, we sang together once upon a time. A mother, a sister, she was me, I was her, and her blood became dust under my feet—  _ smiling. I was happy then. To discard the past. I pretended to be sad. I cried. I told you I was too afraid. When you trembled, the axe in your hand, I bade you raise your blade. The fire was burning. Hatred. Hatred. _

If I were human, I would stay by your side. I would sing all my love to you, I would drink your wine and lay in bed with you. I would pluck stars from the sky and crush them for you, I would raze the Earth for you. _Hatred. _I would be your chains, your axe, your rock, your bindings. I am none of these things. _Liar. _I would never betray one thought, one quirk of the lips, one shred of meat tossed into a Goddess’s face. I would be pleasant and docile. I would lay with you, you would tell me goodbye. I would part from you. You would become a great king— _and yet this hatred. _

If I had loved, my love was a transgression against the divine. The words they use now—  _ sin,  _ blasphemy. Lips stained purple, women passing in and out of the room, fluttering like moths, my hand in yours, your lips on my throat—

The final solution to the problem that was humanity— me. You, the god-king standing in their way. I need no more loving touches, no words, just a glance. I am firmly rooted in the ground, staring into your eyes. No weapon of yours could take me down, nor could I invent some weapon to tear you from the horizon. I walk through the halls in a breeze. I see you and smile and leave you alone. One conversation with you could kill me. Undeserving of you.  _ Don’t look upon me with such sad eyes. I could endure your hatred, but your sadness I could never.  _

My body still remembers you. It still cries out in pain at leaving you. A stranger in my body felt those lingering affections.

I pretend. I lie. I lie again. But I remember how you called me ‘friend’. I wept. To the end, I am a coward. To the end, it is not you who holds back, but me. Too afraid to claim what is mine, this body, this soul, these magic circuits arranged that created a living thing out of an object.

If I am human, my life is tragedy. I could not forgive anyone but you. If I am sad, I will never recover. If I am angry, I will tear apart everything in my rage.

I am only something that can love you. Why is that so painful?

If I am human, then I was told I wasn't for no reason. I was raised by the almighty to be something I wasn't for their convenience. I was doomed to die by a cruel goddess for nothing. The whole existence I shared with you was nothing. 

_ Ready your needle, sew quickly and neatly. Your stitches must be even. Your thread must not break. If you breathe out of line, you will be struck down. You are not your beloved sister. You are not that king, either. You are a weapon. You are to be discarded. Remember that.  _

The words I awakened to. The city I wasted my days in. Sew up the chasm. Unite the gods and their people. Throw that all away on a whim, forget about it, lose yourself to lust and love, die like a dog and rot in his arms. 

_ Anger, rage, and hatred. _

Forget me. Forget me.

_ Death to all good things, all living things. _

Discard me like they did. Don't look upon me. Don't make eye contact. Don't touch me. Don't smile. Don't frown. Don't look away. Don't shy away.  _ Look at me. Be kind to me. Get rid of this inhibition within me. Make it like it was before. Show me what humanity is, just like Shamhat did. Kill me yourself. Do something. I can't exist like this. I can't pretend. I can't lie anymore. _

That's right. I need nothing. We understand each other.  _ My last lie.  _ So give me a smile, won't you?

—The rayshift ends.

**Author's Note:**

> enkidu is afucking liar and i HATE THEM "oh we wouldn't be upset if the other died :)" you are LYING RIGHT THERE "oh i don't need to talk to gilgamesh :)" YOU ARE LYING??? YOU AER LITERALLY LYING fsf it's like About To Go Down and enkidu's just like "Tee hee i have no emotions :)))))" YOU FUCKING!!! I HATE YOU sorry ignore me i just...wow. please don't listen to them and if i'm wrong you can come beat the shit out of me  
also the babylonia musical ignited the flames of gilkidu within my soul lmao i know i normally kotogil but Hey can I interest yall in some kotogilkidu?


End file.
